He Kissed My Ear

He Kissed My Ear

I was the runt of the litter—the last of four children.  At birth, my left ear was deformed.  It had no shape or form, and there was no opening.  Inside was a thick mass in the middle ear, but again, no opening to the outside.

As a small child I had several operations. About the only thing they could do for me was to give that “blob” a little bit of shape to resemble an ear.  However, I didn’t hear from that side, nor could that ever be possible—even with medical science. My facial nerves were buried in this thick mass.

Growing up was a challenge. When you have a deformity, you instinctively hide things you feel ashamed of.  I hid my ear. I could do this, because I was a girl and had hair to cover it.  In addition to the cosmetic challenge, I also struggled with hearing.

There was no evidence that I had any emotions about my ear, until I began to mature. I just don’t even remember having any particular thoughts about it as a young child—either positively or negatively. I was supposed to be a kid, seemingly without care.

Yet as I matured, life in this world naturally dished out the old school of the need for acceptance, love, and approval.  Somehow I learned you obtain that more easily, when you perform.  When you are flawed—as I was according to my definition— those strategies become high priority. 

I sincerely believed that I was supposed to only “do” for God, and it was up to me to erect change in myself, as I received revelations of my deep, inner struggles of the soul.

But as those “revelations” came, they only created deeper disgust. I discovered that I was powerless in my own efforts to really change.  So the question came: Why should God love me? I am disgusting, so I thought and believed. I was identifying with my behaviors, as if they were the true me.

Not.

As I know now, my behaviors were only a symptom of my deepest problem – I did not know God as the Living One; someone who loved me more than I could ever possibly comprehend. 

So while on this course I thought, “Perhaps a new look outwardly would help.”   Hairdresser or beauticians were not on my radar growing up.   I was afraid of them cutting my hair.

Yet I decided to go to a professional hairdresser and have my hair cut, then get a perm.  Through referrals, I finally picked the man who was to perform this deed.

Obviously, he saw my special need and I explained “how” I needed my hair to be cut.  “Oh, please be careful not to cut it too short, since the perm would make it shorter,” I stressed.

He cut my hair too short! My hair went up like a venetian blind, after the perm. 

I ran out of the salon in complete desperation.

Sobbing, I walked to my apartment. Thoughts swirled in my head that my life was over; I was going to hibernate for six months until my hair grew.

“I wish I had never been born,” I thought.

In front of the mirror, struggling to make my hair lay down and with intense frustration, I threw the brush. I yelled to myself in the mirror, “You are so ugly. I hate you…I hate you, Sue!” My head went down on the vanity in despair, weeping bitterly.

And then, I heard Someone whispering my name, “Sue!” 

It was the Lord, living in my heart.  He was not an audible voice, but like one.  And then I recognized His voice. 

“Sue, look in the mirror. Look in the mirror and say, ‘I love you, Sue.’” This was scary to me.  I heard this directive, yet was a smidge uncertain it was God speaking.  I was afraid not to obey though, just in case it really was Him.

Reluctantly, I brought my head up and looked in the mirror, sheepishly saying, “I love you, Sue…I love you, Sue.” 

With all honesty, I sensed all of heaven joining the chorus of those words. To love myself is God’s way.

I found myself weeping again—not in desperation—but discovering in that moment a glimpse of God’s deep, intimate love.  He used me to speak His words to my heart, and He filled those words with power! 

This is nothing short of what God has already said in His Word; I just hadn’t believed it.  It was obvious I needed some assistance in faith, since I had “bought into the lies for so long!”

God had another lesson of His incredible, intimate love for me. It came years later, when He brought into my life, Gary.

During our courtship, I shared my life with him, the things I had to sort through, including my birth defect.  By this time, I could more easily share the struggles I had experienced.

It is one thing, however, to share openly with others, then another to truly let them “see” or “touch” the very root of your emotional pain.

As our courtship grew, we both knew we were on the road towards marriage. God impressed upon my heart on a specific day, to “show” Gary my ear.  After all, shouldn’t he know what he was getting, before he was committed?

We went to church one Sunday morning and afterwards had lunch together at my home.  Yet the time did not seem right.  Or I was fearful. Nonetheless, that evening we planned to meet back at his house, before going to the evening service.

We sat on the sofa and began sharing.  I knew then, it was time for me to show Gary my ear.  I simply asked him if I could close my eyes, then he could push back my hair to see my deformity.

I was nervous.  All in a moment, I could either be received or rejected—true love would be made known.

My hair was gently pushed back and I felt his lips on my ear. With such loving tenderness, he kissed my ear.

When I opened my eyes, Gary was on his knees. Little did I know he had been planning a marriage proposal for days.

With tears in his eyes and an emotional voice, he extended me the most beautiful invitation to be his wife. Wow, what a reward for vulnerability! 

Then, Gary gave me a lovely pair of ivory-carved earrings.  Years prior to meeting me, he bought them in China.  He had asked God to show him what to buy for his future mate.

I’ve learned God had always wanted to push back “my hair.” For me to go ahead and let Him see my imperfections, flaws, weaknesses; He already saw them anyway! He only wanted to kiss them. 

Through this precious memory I found that two thousand years ago, God did indeed, “drop to His knees” for each one, demonstrating His great love. Christ’s sacrificial death has forever removed my truest deformities.

Years later I heard the Lord say:

“Sue, Gary kissed your ear the day he asked you to marry him, but I kissed your ear the day you were born.”

Sue Gaither